16 December 2004

I singth not, tis blasphemous.

Went shopping this morning for about 2 hours. Got most of my people done! Yea!!!! Still have to get my dirty santa gift for Saturday but I'll figure that out soon enough.
I think that the perfume I'm wearing today is making me ill. I don't usually wear this one, this sickness could be the reason...Urgh... I know I'm going to have a headache soon. How pathetic is that?
The clerk who checked me out at Target today was very chatty. You'd think we were best pals or something. Asked me more about my week and my finals than some of my actual friends do. Weird. (When I walked up with my stuff he asked if I was ready to check out, to which I answered "Yes, I am." He followed with "Scrumtious." Or at least I'm fairly certain that's what he said. Strange, huh? I would have been even more astonished if he had said 'scrumtrulesent'...)
Oops! Looks like I'm going to go make cupcakes now... I'll talk more at great length later!

"Believe in the power of Santa or get nothing... "

"Hey, I like santa! Come on, he's a fat bastard, he works one day a year, is actually happy, eats all the cookies he wants, rewards the good and punishes the guilty. What's not to like?" ~ Foamy the Squirrel

Dear Dog and Cat,

  • When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

  • The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that
    aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

  • The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

  • I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

  • Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

  • My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

  • For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

  • The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

  • To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door....
    Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
    1. They live here; you don't.

    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

    3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

    4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
  • Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

      Prayer For The Day, " Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."


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