12 February 2006

Long rambling thought - pouring out some nonsense

One problem with being so self-sufficient and image-oriented is that it's often hard to open up and admit real deep things about oneself to the world. One of my friends just recently did something like that and I have to mention it on here in praise and jealousy because that takes such... something I can't even think of a good enough word for it since moxie and cahones don't really fit. To be that sure of yourself and what you're feeling that you can tell the world, even if it's just a couple of close friends... Wow. I understand how vague and silly this must sound to anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about but I had to say something. Even if what you're feeling is minor to the rest of the world, it's personal for you and to open your very heart to the harsh eyes of the world is frightening beyond comprehension.
Sorry if that was way out there for ya'll.

I'm in one of those strange moods where my mind is really over thinking life (mine in particular) and the consequences of our actions. In so many ways I'm sure of myself and my actions, both ethically and morally. But there are even more facets of my life that I'm scared to death aren't right and, worse, aren't fixable. This is one of those thoughts that is self-defeating but it's there none-the-less. It's so hard to lead a good life, one without regrets of any sort and perfectly content to be average/mediocre. Anyone who tells you differently must have received the handbook on life that I didn't get. Because this crap is tough. A few posts back I mentioned wanting to be a little kid again. Well, another point comes to mind along that line: When you're a little kid you don't realize how big the world is or how small the world is. It isn't there to mess with your mind when you can't sleep one night or when you're faced with life decisions that could really impact your life thereafter. I think that's what growing up is really. Learning to face this "problem" which, I suppose, isn't so much a problem but rather an extension of the questions, "Who am I?" and "Why am I?"
So I'm going to head off to bed and think more on this... Love and HIS blessings.

"Treasure your exceptions! Keep them always uncovered and in sight. Exceptions are like the rough brickwork of a growing building which tells that there is more to come and shows where the next construction is to be." -William Bateson

"We believe in ourselves, as we do not believe in others. We permit all things to ourselves, and that which we call sin in others, is experiment for us." -Emerson

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." - Henry Ford


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