Sick Note

I text-paged my mum asking for a sick note to keep me from having to go to class (just jokingly of course) and this is what I recieved back this afternoon:

To Whom it May Concern (even if that concern is only barely existent):

Please excuse Misty from any excitation, conversation,transportation, anarchist nation, derivation, insinuation, strong libation, experimentation (such as in lab), conscious sedation, or militarization. She has been very very very ill, practically lifeless, every organ is affected: stuffy nose, cough when attempted, pale skin, dry hair, stinky feet, hard nails, croup, hoof-and-mouth complications, leprosy, anaphalactic snoring --- she is caught in a virtual downward spiral, circling the drain and unable to perform even the most simple acts of leather-clad biker service (fetching beer, gassing up the HOG, lighting cigarettes, etc). Remaining breaths are but a few, organ donation organizations are on stand-by, a long black sedan is parked outside her apartment, and her brother has called dibs on all electronic possessions.

With utmost sadness and despair,
Misty Dawn's mother

(For a simple token of this event, please send $25.00 and a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the attached address - a momento retrieved from the subject's vehicle and/or personal effects will be sent via UPS - Hurry! Only limited supplies are available!!!)